randomling: Ariadne (of Inception) looking down. (ariadne)
Whether that is RP or guessing games or I don't know what else. It is fun. :D

Also, yes, I really ought to update more.

Current state of the randomling:

* headed home tomorrow after nearly two months staying with a friend in Germany. It's been really fun and I shall be sad to leave! But I'm coming back in May!
* my German has improved considerably.
* I've also started poking gently at learning Hebrew. I'm now roughly at "I can vaguely understand the alphabet and I'm learning words, but learning huge piles of vocab without context or grammar is starting to seem increasingly pointless". So along with the alphabet-learning book [personal profile] liv recommended, I need to look into beginner's Hebrew language books next. Plus probably a good bilingual dictionary.
* that said, a winter's worth of reduced work due to depression means I'm currently a bit low on spare cash (thankfully I had emergency provisions so I'm not actually unable to cover bills), so I have a feeling buying lots of books for the shiny new language will have to wait.
* and THAT said, I now seem to be back to working reasonably consistently, so the money situation should start to improve soonish.
* any Highlander fans reading this? One thing I've been doing while here is consuming Highlander at a rate of knots - I'm still on my first watch-through, now partway through S4 (I'd just finished S1 when I got here). I have fallen hopelessly in love with Methos. Hopelessly. Hopelessly. It's a problem. (And a delight. METHOS.)
* I am very well-fed just now. We had potato nests (mashed potato, scrambled eggs and a German dairy product called quark; I skip the quark 'cause I don't like it, but mashed potatoes and scrambled egg is *awesome*).
randomling: River Song (of Doctor Who) behind bars. (river song)
And not doing it.

I suppose this is because I feel a bit like my life is essentially quite boring. I'm currently freelancing, and trying to work my way up into at least decent part-time hours without falling over, which is proving challenging because I fall over at the least little bit of stress.

(And I mean last week was almost a complete bust because of this and this week is all about the recovery.)

I'm still learning German. I think I'm getting a bit more fluent. I'm trying to get a handle on what kind of future I might have. That's a bit difficult, because depressed-brain is still a bit prone to saying "NONE LOL" and predicting that my health issues will kill me in a few years so what's the point. So some days even looking at the future without cringing away in fear is really hard, and most days, let's be honest, I don't really bother.

Money stuff is going a bit better since I got new budgeting software about six months ago. It's really making it much eaiser to plan ahead and figure out what I need to do with my money. It also helps that I'm earning some. Not a huge amount yet, but more than I was on JSA.

I'm RPing a lot, and thinking a lot about my characters without actually doing much writing on the novel or anything else (despite mostly making it to writing dates each week). The problem is there's so much I want to make a priority, and having limited energy and limited time and all the rest of it (really the energy is more of a problem than anything else), it gets really hard to prioritise and decide what I actually want to focus on.

Not sure what else to talk about. I'm keeping up with Doctor Who, though I'm really ragey at Moffat for various reasons. I'm occasionally reading fic and being a bit anxious about Yuletide nominations. I'm still not really reading printed books very much, though I'm reading a lot of articles in Pocket instead. Not sure why I'm finding books so hard but that's been ongoing for... a couple of years?

I am trying to diversify a bit socially, but coming up against the same old demons of "you've had depression for the past six years and you managed to nuke 90% of your social circle". Which makes me feel guilty about trying to renew old friendships and anxiousa about trying to start new ones. It's awesome.

I think that might be about it for now!
randomling: River Tam (Firefly) stares at something off-camera. (river stares)
Stuck, stuck, stuck. )

I cannot begin to express how much I do not want advice. It might be nice to have distractions, or stories about living with disability or mental illness that do not end in doom and despair, or maybe a bit of reassurance that I am still liked even if I am utterly non-functional. I'm not sure at this stage what is going to push my buttons, to be honest, but I'll try to be up-front about it if something does, rather than curling up and going quiet.
randomling: The words "so it goes" (from Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut). (so it goes)
I don't think I want to talk about it very much, and I definitely, definitely don't want any advice, thanks.

I am stressed about job/benefit stuff and health/mental health stuff, and money stuff, and housing stuff, and a general feeling of my life falling apart. Which is dumb, because in some ways really good things are hopefully happening (see: housing stuff). But in others, things are really falling to bits.

My to-do list is large and complicated.

I am really trying not to complain here because I feel selfish and whiny doing that (there are others who have it much worse, and there are people putting in a lot of work for my benefit, so I feel really guilty about complaining). But at the same time, things are hard. My brain is actively working against me. I find it really hard to get done what I need to get done. It's not easy to like myself right now.

Maybe owning up to the things are hard will make it easier to move past it?


Jun. 15th, 2013 10:21 pm
randomling: Owen Harper (Torchwood). (owen)
First: I haz a [personal profile] kaberett! I may never let them go.

Things. )
randomling: Audrey Parker (Haven) in a white vest, looking less than amused. (audrey)
Sometimes I feel okay, and sometimes I feel like I've been dragged through the muck, sideways, and had all my bones broken in the process.

I'm tired a lot of the time. Very, very tired. And that's getting very annoying.

I'm feeling extra-prone to self-hatred and even suicidal thoughts lately, which is pretty unpleasant.

Simple things are often really quite difficult. A lot of things that most people seem to take for granted are major victories for me.

I don't know how to get out of this pit I'm in, but I have tools, and I'm working on it.

I know you guys care a lot about me and want to help (and thank you for that, really) - but I'm not looking for advice here, and I will ask if I need it.

I just want a place to talk about this without being judged and without any "have you tried...?"; I have a complicated relationship with advice and I don't really want to add any more monsters to the pile right now.

Maybe I should make a filter. See, I can't even make a simple and mostly-inconsequential decision like that.

Um. The end.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
I had a really bad morning. Made it to work, but ~50mins late, and trying REALLY HARD not to cry. (I'm a bit calmer now and getting some actual work done now and then - so things could be worse.)

I have a question to answer at work which requires me to do PLANNING ARGH.

I have managed to do some financial sorting out so know I have a firm figure for my credit card debt which should (assuming I manage to keep up with payments etc) only be going down for the next few months.

And I have about a month's worth of meds so that will help with stability (I ran out, it was a thing; it's a repeated thing, sadly).

I'm really, really sick of being so ill by this point. And I really want to figure out how to manage my health crap so that I can actually live a life.



Aug. 22nd, 2012 04:32 pm
randomling: Martha Jones (Doctor Who), looking up with a half-smile. (martha)
You know what would be nice? Having enough brain to get through a work day without spending half the time surfing the interwebs.

Also, being able to go out a couple of times a week (would that be too much to ask?) without having to work out if I can spare the spoons. Also without finding that when the day/time comes around, the spoons I had budgeted just are not available.
randomling: Ariadne (of Inception) looking down. (ariadne)
For now, though:

I am doing a finance reconciliation at work and finding it very hard to concentrate.

Thankfully, among my birthday gifts this year was a Pebble, which will charge my technology even when I don't have the right cable. I just have to finish charging the Pebble (from my PC) and then I can charge my iPod. When I have music, the reconciliation will be much better.

I'm also wondering about improving my record-keeping of the tasks I get done, just 'cause anything that records my productivity, spoon use, etc, would be kind of handy.


Jun. 4th, 2012 12:43 pm
randomling: Claude Rains (Heroes) in black and white. "you can't see me i'm invisible" (invisible)
Okay, so things are a bit dodgy over here all of a sudden.

I haven't been taking my anti-depressant medication - again - because I seem to have run out (I'm sure I should have at least 10 days' worth somewhere, but I cannot find it for the life of me) and I can't find my repeat prescription. Of course, it would be an epically long weekend, so I can't get the ball rolling with my doctor until Wednesday.

I need better systems.

I'm getting symptoms again. Sleeping for 11+ hours a night (often plus a daytime nap), obsessed with the current TV show and a game, finding it hard to concentrate on doing the "real life" stuff that I should/could/want to be doing. Feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

I do have techniques for times like this, so I'm not completely down a hole, but it's taken me a couple of days to recognise what's going on. Still, now that I do know, I can start to get myself in gear.

Going to use this journal as a keeping-place for ramblings for a while, because it tends to be handy to counteract the "hide away and curl up in a ball" instinct, and doing some of this accounting stuff in public seems to be helpful for me, too.

So excuse the spam for a few days. I'm going to put on some clothes, get some breakfast, and then see what I can do about a list post or something.
randomling: Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) with a cigarette in his mouth. (spike)
Interacting more, in general - I should do that.

So here's what is going on in the world of the Randomling.

My lovely goose is away for the weekend at the Hay Literary Festival. I still don't really have the money to accompany him places, but we're going away for a long weekend in July, so that's nice.

I am still working at a charity, and just got my contract extended until the beginning of September, which is rather nice. Guaranteed money for another three months. Whoo!

I am studying like mad, and slightly feeling the lack of downtime. And I think I'm sometimes finding the coding immensely frustrating because I've taken on too much and have not had the time to really absorb the things I'm supposed to be learning. So I'm taking it easy, going to go slowly through the one remaining course I'm on, and take just one course next time around (which will be a maths course, because I think that's going to be useful foundational thing). I can retake the final for the webapp course in a couple of months, which is a relief.

I'm also trying to work on getting fitter and generally improving things in my life.

I think that's it for now. I have a post for "100 programming projects" half-written, and need to finish that up and post it soon.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
I miss the actually participating on Dreamwidth thing.

I do a lot of hanging out in IRC. Some playing Minecraft. But I'm focusing a lot on work and code at the moment. (I am learning C! And Javascript! At the same time! Yes, I'm nuts. Also, I want to learn to develop for Android, so at least if I write myself a game that's super-buggy/unstable, I can fix the bastard.)

I'm forever creating accounts on things.

I do, theoretically, have a tumblr, but I don't really understand it over there. And I don't know who/what/where to read. Someone explain tumblr to me, please?

I keep trying to make Big Projects to sort myself out, but it's hard to fix everything all at once.

Anyway. HI. I miss you guys. [wave]
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
I'm working again. It's only temping, and only 3 days a week, but it's something. Looking forward to my first pay, which should come through on Friday.

I'm also interviewing this Thursday for the permanent version of my temporary job - which I think would be perfect for me! I think I stand a good chance, but I could definitely do with some wishes of good luck and a following wind!

And if *that* option doesn't work out, I have a registration appointment at a new temp agency on Monday.

My relationship seems to be going well! The boy is doing an AI course and continuing to be lovely (I keep joking that he's going to come away from the course and build a sexbot, which, I guess you never know).

I'm planning to pick up my knitting again on Thursday night at a S&B - yay!

And I think that's all the news, really.

Maybe next time I'll post about something actually interesting. Or fandom-related. Or... you know. Something with content.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
I cannot seem to. I have a bunch of tabs open and I can't seem to concentrate enough to decide what I'm going to do with them.

So I think I'll take them one by one.

Today, my brain is not being helpful.

Maybe it's lack of sleep. I was awake for about an hour at 3am.

randomling: Nine (Doctor Who) sits in the Big Brother chair with his eyebrows raised.  "you have GOT to be kidding" (kidding)
Because the longer I don't post, the harder it gets to post, and I wish to break my not-posting streak.

Can't remember how long it's been, and I'm not going to look.

But here's an update of Life According to Lucy:

1. I have acquired a boyfriend! (Via OKCupid.) He is lovely. I am happy. He is currently in Norway (sadface).

2. I had a temp job for a while and now I don't. Working on that. (Again.)

3. I signed up for the Dreamwidth development team! So now I have a dreamhack (WOOT) and a Bugzilla account. I've claimed a bug and I'm learning Perl in the hopes of figuring out what to do with it. (Must, in fact, upgrade my hack since the code push, and work out how in the hell to install Perl 5.14 on my machine - currently have 5.8.)

4. There is much figuring out of how to improve my life, as per usual. (Getting a real job would be a realllllly good start.)

5. I'm teaching myself Perl by a) reading Beginning Perl which is a free internet book which is being REALLY HELPFUL, b) trying to write a text-based game (which, as teh boyfriend is an expert Perl programmer, is rather full of code that makes me go, "what does that do?"). I spent the last of this week's spending money on getting the Camel book used from Amazon (breaking my two-years-plus boycott). I am going to become good at programming!

6. There will be more later. Six things make a post, right? right.

I have been reading, but I need to a) post more and b) comment more.

Missed you, blogoverse!
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
So I'm still off work with depression. Almost four months now (and counting - I'm going to be surprised if I get back to work this year). Weirdly, I'm not stressing about it as much as I was this time last year; I know that it will go, eventually, and this is kind of another step towards figuring out where I need to be, even though it kind of sucks right now.

My phone's still off. I'm thinking about maybe doing a thing where I keep it on, but find a way of making calls go straight to voicemail. That will mean that I have some idea when there's a message, and also that people will be able to text me.

I signed up for a Open University course, with the idea that it would stimulate my mind and that might help me. Right now, I'm not doing much of anything on it, and so far the material that I've looked at isn't very challenging. But I've given myself permission to be crap at it, and I shall hand in my assignments, even if they're rubbish because I haven't done enough work. The idea is to be engaged to whatever point I feel able.

And there have been more fits of madness.

I've booked a trip to California at the beginning of December. This is because my favourite guru/mentor, Havi Brooks, is running a one-day class there which I really, really want to attend. So I've booked onto it. But I once tried going to Georgia for a wedding, and I was well then and it killed me - so I'm not travelling to California for a single day! I'm going to be there for eight days.

I'm going to need a lot of hand-holding and support and love and stuff to get me on the plane and get me through it, I think, but I really want to go. I think it will probably be enormously good for me. I hope so anyway.

After much dithering, I finally signed up for Make the Yuletide Gay (which is the popslash secret santa challenge). I'm not convinced of my ability to write anything at all, because I haven't written much in the way of popslash, or anything at all, since the same challenge ran last year. But I wanted to participate, mostly because to not take part in this challenge is essentially to remove yourself from the fandom and I don't want to do that!

I also signed up for NaNo. God knows what, if anything, I'll write. But maybe it'll be good for me to do something other than play World of Warcraft. (It's good to have WoW to rely on, honestly, for non-threatening social contact and amusement and "stuff to get done"; but it also kind of eats my head and I want to spend less time doing it, if I can.)

I've also done stuff like buy Lego - I kind of love the putting stuff together with my hands - and I'm trying to mess around with drawing and painting and stuff. Though I haven't got much further with that than "buying the materials and looking at them a lot".

I think that when I've written my first OU assignment (due this Tuesday! But it's only 750 words so I'm not too worried) I might celebrate by getting out the paints and mixing some colours or painting something ridiculously abstract. Mixing colours is fun!

As you can see, I'm doing a lot of play at the moment. Play and rest. It's really good to have the time to just switch off - even though I'm living at my parents', and that means a certain amount of trying to help them out, 'cause they are quite elderly. But they are looking after me, too, so it all kind of works.

At the moment I'm 100% homebody, it seems to be a rare-ish day that I actually leave the house. I do seem to feel a bit more positive when I do, though.

I think it's probably time for me to try and get some sleep now!

September 2017



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