Don't even know where to start processing.

[randomling]

I am currently living under a big black cloud of depression. This is seeping into everything and making it hard to think straight about anything, so I get caught up in anger and misery and frustration, and then it gets hard to get anything much done.

I know that the logical thing to do here would be to see a doctor. The problem with that is that none of the doctors at my current practice actually seem to want to listen to me. My mentions of depression have so far been ignored, or I've been told I'll be referred on but nothing has happened. I feel like psychological crap is at the root of so much stuff that it's really hard to shift anything else without finding a solution to the depression. It doesn't help that I don't like or trust my current therapist, but changing therapist is a huge deal and involves interacting with my mother, who pays for it as I don't have much money.

I keep trying to start a CBT course again. Part of the problem is that I already know the principles, so I don't feel like I'm learning anything. Another problem is that the first thing they do is ask you to write down a time that you were recently very upset or angry. This requires being able to recall such a time. I'm such a champion represser that this is really difficult, and this is where I usually fall off the wagon. So I don't ever get far with CBT. I feel like I need "dealing with emotions 101", and my therapist keeps trying to get me to feel my feelings, but has no good answer for "okay, I'm angry, what now?". And the truth is I don't know what is supposed to come next. I feel like I have missed huge chunks of humanity school.

I also feel like I don't know how to do the self-advocacy that would actually make doctor's appointments go slightly better, which is frustrating because what it means is I just sit there and get told off, and I never seem to get the help I need. So I am avoiding seeing doctors, which is not helpful at all. (I tried another practice. They were orders of magnitude worse.)

It feels like there's no good solution to any of this. I feel so exhausted, and like I can't access good medical care (I miss the lovely doctors I saw when I lived in East London). I am stuck in this depression. I am stuck in my broken brain and body. I am stuck, stuck, stuck. And it's really hard to motivate myself to do something that I don't think will do me any good. I should probably do it anyway, but it's really hard to convince myself that that would actually be a productive use of my limited energy.

And this doesn't even touch on the larger issues. Like, I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life, and what does that mean about the rest of my life? How am I ever going to hold a job or build the kind of life I want, or even move out of my parents' house ever again? It seems impossible and like every effort is doomed to failure. I know that's the depression talking, but I actually cannot see a different version, short of imagining an unlikely future where all my medical problems are magically cured and I gain the power of flight.

I'm sick of living this life, and there is no alternative.

It sucks.

I cannot begin to express how much I do not want advice. It might be nice to have distractions, or stories about living with disability or mental illness that do not end in doom and despair, or maybe a bit of reassurance that I am still liked even if I am utterly non-functional. I'm not sure at this stage what is going to push my buttons, to be honest, but I'll try to be up-front about it if something does, rather than curling up and going quiet.

Comments

[kaberett]

Hey ♥

Self-advocacy is hard. So is advocating for other people, as I found out when I got accused of blackmail the other week :-p But -- if you would like me to come along to a GP appt, then I have plenty of reason to be in your vicinity between now & the end of August, and even more after that, as y'know.

I like you. A lot. Doesn't matter what you do; I like you. I mean, you know some of the other shit I put up with from people I love -- so please feel reassured on that front. :-p

And I... hope I am a success story?

[ghoti]

I have nothing useful to say, but I will give you lots of <3 and tea.

[purplecat]

More hugs.

[sylvaine]

♥♥♥

[pensnest]

I despaired of my son, at times—he has Aspergers and is socially incapable to a dismaying extent, but he's working now and seems to be doing all right. It can happen.

Meanwhile, *hugs*.

[untonuggan]

*sends lots of love*

[lynnoconnacht]

*sends lots of good thoughts and offers hugs*