Sep. 9th, 2013 07:16 pm
randomling: Buffy Summers (of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) wearing shades. (buffy shades)
I seem to be doing lots of processing these past few days.

Rambling about fun. )
randomling: River Song (of Doctor Who) behind bars. (river song)
This post carries a trigger warning for suicidal thoughts.

So all the stuff I've been doing over the weekend, about general organisation and getting shit done and dealing with the massive to-do list, was really useful. And at the same it didn't tackle one of the current major causes of stress in my life.

That's jobhunting.

Rambling on the topic of jobs. Trigger warning: discussion of suicidal thoughts )
randomling: Scorpius (Farscape) (scorpius)
No advice please, but questions, thoughts or what this brings up for you are all welcome.

Probably a lot of things. )

I am sad.

Oct. 12th, 2012 11:47 pm
randomling: Emma Swann (Once Upon A Time) looks sad. (sad)
I feel like today has been full of guilt. And reasons for me to feel guilty. And I can't quite figure out why.

I feel a bit like I don't do enough, and what I do do, I don't do soon enough, or fast enough, or well enough. I feel like this is how my parents think of me, and that's painful and depressing, and I'm afraid to ask because I'm sure I'll get the answer "of course that's true, but we love you anyway", which would kind of hurt.

My mother says she believes that I am really sick (at long last; there has been a lot of me telling her how things are for me and her not believing me) but that doesn't translate to my dad, who doesn't seem to know or care how it is for me. The closest I get to sympathy from him is "we're all tired!" which is kind of frustrating, because what that really means is "your problems are not interesting to me".

And yes, I'm being a total bitch here, and I'm sure my parents' intentions are far better than I think they are. And most of me is sure that I really do have a persecution complex and my impressions and feelings cannot be trusted, because that is what I was told for so long.

So between feeling sad, and guilty, I also cannot trust my emotions, because I am a sick and evil person who only believes the worst of people.

I thought I had left these patterns behind but they are always waiting in the wings.

It sucks.
randomling: Turlough (of Doctor Who) looks to the left with his eyes half-closed. (turlough)
So I basically created this new theme by rolling some virtual dice. I like it, though! (I did reject both a style and a theme that made me go UGH. And I think I might spend some more time tweaking later, though Skittish Dreams, it turns out, is pretty, and doesn't do any of the things I really dislike in a style.)

I'm sure I had some fic ideas that I wanted to post about but I can't remember any of them now. Oh, well. Another time.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
Thank you for your lovely comments, my friends.

I am feeling somewhat better today and have made up my mind to not think I am a hateful bitch anymore. (I'm not sure that will help next time I feel so crappy, but it helps for now.)

Eventually, I will fix my stupid brain.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
could someone please remind me that I am not a hateful bitch?


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