I am sad.

[randomling]

I feel like today has been full of guilt. And reasons for me to feel guilty. And I can't quite figure out why.

I feel a bit like I don't do enough, and what I do do, I don't do soon enough, or fast enough, or well enough. I feel like this is how my parents think of me, and that's painful and depressing, and I'm afraid to ask because I'm sure I'll get the answer "of course that's true, but we love you anyway", which would kind of hurt.

My mother says she believes that I am really sick (at long last; there has been a lot of me telling her how things are for me and her not believing me) but that doesn't translate to my dad, who doesn't seem to know or care how it is for me. The closest I get to sympathy from him is "we're all tired!" which is kind of frustrating, because what that really means is "your problems are not interesting to me".

And yes, I'm being a total bitch here, and I'm sure my parents' intentions are far better than I think they are. And most of me is sure that I really do have a persecution complex and my impressions and feelings cannot be trusted, because that is what I was told for so long.

So between feeling sad, and guilty, I also cannot trust my emotions, because I am a sick and evil person who only believes the worst of people.

I thought I had left these patterns behind but they are always waiting in the wings.

It sucks.

Comments

[kaberett]

<3

FWIW I can pretty categorically state that every single time I have seen you describe yourself as "a bitch" you have, um, not been assessing the situation in the same way that I have?

Also, I can point to more'n one concrete example of you offering compassion & benefit of the doubt long after I've given up on someone, so. Those things. xx

for what it is worth

[jjhunter]

We all have periods of doubt, and some of us have other cycles going on that make it tricky to take what our brains say at face value all the time. I'd recommend finding one or two people other than your parents who are discreet and reliably honest who you can trust give you an outside/triangulating POV.