Things my brain is full of.
Aug. 19th, 2013 03:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
randomlingNo advice please, but questions, thoughts or what this brings up for you are all welcome.
* Joel. Joel, Joel and more Joel. (Hello, original character, you have taken over my head. Please give it back?)
* I'm trying to reduce the number of books I own. I was planning on doing a self-help purge, on the basis that a lot of the self-help books I own are like, "here is a nineteen-point plan for living the perfect life that doesn't work for you". And yet, when I gathered a bunch of them together, I felt really anxious and put them back on the shelf. It's not like I actually try to follow any of these books and their ridiculous plans, so why do I feel so anxious about giving them away? Is it because the idea of having no plan at all is totally terrifying?
* I feel exhausted and angry by how constrained my life is. It feels like I have the option to try and get a full-time job, exhaust myself, and end up flat on my back in six months, or accept I'm not well enough to work (not that the government believes this) and live for the rest of my life on the bare minimum the government thinks I need to live on. I know this ignores the possibility of part-time work, but part-time work is never going to pay very much, which means I'm back to living on the government-mandated bare minimum (ie, if I'm earning below the bare minimum, the government might help, but if I'm not, they won't). Either way it seems like I'll never get to make a career, or buy a house, or build the kind of life I want.
* Similarly, I am back to being convinced that I'm so unattractive that I'll never have a partner. Yeah, it's less than a year since I broke up with the last-and-only. I'm still convinced.
* Social stuff is really hard. Most of it requires money which is tough at the moment. It is scary. I am replying to Social-related email today (dammit) but oh god.
* I've been tidying in my bedroom. Which is good but there is still Stuff Everywhere which feeds right back to Terrible Self-Esteem Land. I'm trying, but argh.
* Depression is everywhere. Brain hates me. I am generally not very happy at the moment. Slightly better than a couple of weeks ago, but it's still a struggle to build on what seems like Very Little Progress at the moment. Wondering what I can do about that. Being stuck in my bedroom almost 24 hours a day isn't helping. Sigh.
* There is a huge to-do list. It feels overwhelming.
* Joel. Joel, Joel and more Joel. (Hello, original character, you have taken over my head. Please give it back?)
* I'm trying to reduce the number of books I own. I was planning on doing a self-help purge, on the basis that a lot of the self-help books I own are like, "here is a nineteen-point plan for living the perfect life that doesn't work for you". And yet, when I gathered a bunch of them together, I felt really anxious and put them back on the shelf. It's not like I actually try to follow any of these books and their ridiculous plans, so why do I feel so anxious about giving them away? Is it because the idea of having no plan at all is totally terrifying?
* I feel exhausted and angry by how constrained my life is. It feels like I have the option to try and get a full-time job, exhaust myself, and end up flat on my back in six months, or accept I'm not well enough to work (not that the government believes this) and live for the rest of my life on the bare minimum the government thinks I need to live on. I know this ignores the possibility of part-time work, but part-time work is never going to pay very much, which means I'm back to living on the government-mandated bare minimum (ie, if I'm earning below the bare minimum, the government might help, but if I'm not, they won't). Either way it seems like I'll never get to make a career, or buy a house, or build the kind of life I want.
* Similarly, I am back to being convinced that I'm so unattractive that I'll never have a partner. Yeah, it's less than a year since I broke up with the last-and-only. I'm still convinced.
* Social stuff is really hard. Most of it requires money which is tough at the moment. It is scary. I am replying to Social-related email today (dammit) but oh god.
* I've been tidying in my bedroom. Which is good but there is still Stuff Everywhere which feeds right back to Terrible Self-Esteem Land. I'm trying, but argh.
* Depression is everywhere. Brain hates me. I am generally not very happy at the moment. Slightly better than a couple of weeks ago, but it's still a struggle to build on what seems like Very Little Progress at the moment. Wondering what I can do about that. Being stuck in my bedroom almost 24 hours a day isn't helping. Sigh.
* There is a huge to-do list. It feels overwhelming.
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Date: 2013-08-19 03:05 pm (UTC)All of which to say: I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
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Date: 2013-08-21 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2013-08-21 09:57 pm (UTC)