Well that didn't work out as planned.

[randomling]

Ugh, brains.


I got to bed around 11.30pm, which I'm considering to be Not Too Bad - I was aiming for 11pm, but I'm not going to beat myself up too much about the half-hour. (In fact, I'm quite proud that I didn't go "oh well I missed it" and stay up until 2, because that is my normal reaction to screwing up on something like this. I often don't think, well, close is better than not close and do the best I can, I just ignore it and let it slide completely.

I know I was still awake at 1am, but I did eventually get some sleep.

Then I woke up at 8, as planned, and switched my alarm off and went to sleep, which was not as planned. It's now 1pm and I just got out of bed.

Ugh.

Part of the frustration is not knowing why I do these things, not really. Not having access to the back brain stuff that triggers this stuff. I know that I was actually feeling okay when the alarm went off - not too sleepy or anything - but I was feeling kind of resentful and rebellious and it didn't help that I didn't really have to do any of the things I planned today. I think it also didn't help that it's a Sunday, which my brain parses as A Day Off, so I was feeling extra resentful about the early morning, even though keeping regular early mornings is probably going to help my sleep patterns.

I woke up again at about 11am, and then hid in bed for two hours because of guilt and misery and generally speaking not wanting to get up and face the day.

So because I'm not sure what else to do, I'm going to try this again tomorrow. I'm not actually sure how to deal with any of the resentment, guilt or misery, which is probably not that great. But in the spirit of trying to be an adult, I'm going to try an 11pm bedtime again tonight and to get up at 8am again tomorrow.

Probably more on this later, there is more processing to do. But for now: breakfast, followed by a shower and clothes and then probably checking out the library.

Comments

[sperrywink]

Just letting you know you aren't alone. I have a similar problem with avoiding things I resent/am angry about, and then kicking myself later when I've messed up. It is worse when I am tired, which is why I have now centered my life around getting 10 hours of sleep, which sucks to need so much sleep, but what can you do.

/is avoiding doing work at this very moment- LA LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU WORK COMPUTER!

[randomling]

Thank you, it is really reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of crap from my brain.

[riodecwmtaff]

I know what you mean! I'm constantly trying to set times and goals, especially with pieces of work, but when it comes to the time I plan on completing them I end up procrastinating as much as possible, even if I'm doing nothing at all. I always have to set two alarms when I want to be up early because getting up at alarm time is just a no-go for my brain.

[randomling]

Ugh, yeah. Brains, right? :(