Stream of consciousness.

Starting to feel like I will never recover from this depressive episode. Which is stupid, because I have done it before. Feel like all the hard work I did in the past year as been undone - I have slipped back into much the same place as I was this time last year. And never mind the year that's happened in between, here I am again. Argh.

I cancelled a holiday I really wanted to go on because I just couldn't handle it. I am completely exhausted all the time. I keep losing the plot on the thing I want to be doing, which is trying to let myself be where I am, in the hopes that it'll help.

People, I cannot handle advice on how to get better right now. I am not really in a place where I can imagine what "better" might look like and I am trying to avoid more things I am supposed to be doing. I have enough of those already (more argh).

I am doing the best I can to take care of myself. And to be taken care of. And it's fucking hard. And my mother is on my back about getting therapy (again) but right now I don't know if I could handle it. It scares me. A lot. They doubled my medication, but it's only been a week and a bit, so no difference yet.

I'm starting to think that I'm actually broken forever - that I honestly cannot cope with life as most people do, full time work and so on - and that therefore terrible things will happen to me. It's really really scary as a thought, you know? The idea that I am not capable of being a normal human being. That I am substandard in some way.

I don't like being like this AT ALL. And I have no other way to be right now.

Time to figure out what would help me right now, in this moment, because that's about all I can deal with.