Stream of consciousness.

[randomling]

Starting to feel like I will never recover from this depressive episode. Which is stupid, because I have done it before. Feel like all the hard work I did in the past year as been undone - I have slipped back into much the same place as I was this time last year. And never mind the year that's happened in between, here I am again. Argh.

I cancelled a holiday I really wanted to go on because I just couldn't handle it. I am completely exhausted all the time. I keep losing the plot on the thing I want to be doing, which is trying to let myself be where I am, in the hopes that it'll help.

People, I cannot handle advice on how to get better right now. I am not really in a place where I can imagine what "better" might look like and I am trying to avoid more things I am supposed to be doing. I have enough of those already (more argh).

I am doing the best I can to take care of myself. And to be taken care of. And it's fucking hard. And my mother is on my back about getting therapy (again) but right now I don't know if I could handle it. It scares me. A lot. They doubled my medication, but it's only been a week and a bit, so no difference yet.

I'm starting to think that I'm actually broken forever - that I honestly cannot cope with life as most people do, full time work and so on - and that therefore terrible things will happen to me. It's really really scary as a thought, you know? The idea that I am not capable of being a normal human being. That I am substandard in some way.

I don't like being like this AT ALL. And I have no other way to be right now.

Time to figure out what would help me right now, in this moment, because that's about all I can deal with.

Comments

[dechant]

Can you handle some love from someone who's been there? I know how crappy advice feels in your shoes...

♥ x 10000000000.

[turlough]

As someone who's on a disability pension partly for a fuckedup back and partly for chronic depression I'm telling you you're NOT substandard! You have a chemical imbalance in your brain and it might take a long time to find the right medication and therapy that works for you but you will, I know it. There's no shame in not being able to work full time and nothing terrible will happen to you because you can't. Trust me. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. *hugs you a lot*