Christmas blues

[randomling]

At some point I will do the happy and cheerful stuff - thank the people who sent me cards and gifts, post about the (awesome) Yuletide story I got and about Yuletide in general, tell you what I got for Christmas and plans for the future, and etc.

But I can't seem to manage that right now because I am swallowed up with Christmas blues, and depression, and depression about depression.


I know, logically, that my family don't hate me, but I can't help thinking that they do. I don't do enough - partly because of energy issues, partly because it sometimes just doesn't occur to me (because apparently I am made of fail) and partly because someone always seems to beat me to the punch when I do think to offer. Also because something about the dynamic of me helping seems off within the family, and I can't put my finger on why, but the whole deal just makes me feel super-uncomfortable and then I get filled with self-loathing, which is where I am right now.

(Please, no telling me I've "just got to learn" or similar. True or not, I cannot handle being told how to fix this problem right now.)

The upshot of this is that I avoid my family as much as possible. Half the time they don't seem to care whether I'm around anyway. The other half the time they're so sweetly solicitious that it feels fake. Why can't I just make do with what I've got - why do I have to resent my family no matter what they do? This is another source of deep, deep self-loathing.

I try not to ask for things. (When someone's making tea, I mostly pass, because at some point someone will get at me for not offering to make tea. As above, it rarely occurs to me to do stuff like that, and I also have stuff around that kind of thing that makes me feel really resentful of being given orders, even when I've offered. I hate being in debt when it comes to things like that. What doesn't really get consulted in my head is whether I actually want tea or not.)

I'm incredibly lonely. The only people I am guaranteed to see each day are my parents. I've successfully cut ties with all the friends of mine who live in or near London - well done me. I've broken up with my boyfriend, and while we're staying friends, we haven't seen each other or talked in over a month. (Perhaps it's good to take some time so our relationship can reconfigure in the background.) I'm not working. The idea of going alone to meet a group of strangers, even in an organised setting, terrifies me, and as you might guess I've got no one to accompany me.

I have no job and little to occupy me in the day. Health stuff leaves me with no energy, and without the mental capacity to write code or fiction except very occasionally (I managed both Yuletide and MtYG by the skin of my teeth). I've fucked up my big knitting project and I can't seem to fix it without undoing a huge amount of work. Gaming is fun but ultimately not very fulfilling - it's supposed to be a wind-down activity, not something you do all day. Plus I don't have the concentration to focus on a game for very long unless it's very undemanding.

I am stuck on the two projects that are really important to me and I can't seem to figure out how to get unstuck.

In sum, things suck right now and I hate myself. All my friends seem to be doing awesome life things: getting married, buying houses, starting college, contemplating grad school abroad, getting new jobs. I can't figure out how to get myself out of bed before noon most days, never mind organise my bedroom or make some actual impact on my health problems by getting some exercise.

No wonder I hate myself.

This is all ridiculously self-centered, and I know many people have it far worse than me, especially at Christmas. If you've got this far, I salute you.

(As usual, please no advice. There's a post on that somewhere, look for the "advice" tag.)

Comments

[capri0mni]

I recognize myself (or at least part of myself) in this post. Asking for help, or offering help has always been really difficult for me.

I grew up physically disabled/mobility impaired, and even though my parents did everything they could (everything "right") to fill me with a strong sense of self esteem, there are days I just can't shake the feeling that I am in other peoples' way.

And as for social isolation? whoo-boy. The only friends I have are online, and I've basically let family relationships rot.

So yeah. No advice, 'cause even if I had any, I wouldn't be able to follow it myself. Just -- you're not alone in this.

And man, do I hate the "Especially at Christmas" feeling-bad-for-feeling-bad vibe, you know?

[randomling]

Thank you so much for this comment. It is lovely to hear I am not alone.

And yeah, the "at Christmas!" thing is kind of. Part of me is irritated at my weasels for making me feel bad for feeling bad, part of me is just frustrated at everything. Gragh.

Thank you for being my voice in the darkness, I really needed one just now. ♥

[kaberett]

<3

I'm having Thoughts about the stories I tell about myself (to myself; to others), but: maybe not here, definitely not now, and above all: you are so fantastic and I am so, so glad to have you in my life. <3

[jjhunter]

*is here, is listening*

*...is also doing a pretty good impression of a limp post-holiday noodle and is empty of much to offer at this time beyond gentle affection in your general direction and the way so much of what you're talking about maps neatly onto me too*

[greenbirds]

I'm here and I'm listening, and you're not alone in this at all. That horrible feeling of being in the way? My weasels throw that one at me on a regular basis, and it really sucks.

*hugs and the hot beverage of your choice, if you want 'em*

[batrachian]

<3

[echan]

I've had this tab open for days and days trying to think of something to say, but all I have is: I know what it is to feel alone, to feel separate from the world, to feel like you're contributing nothing, to feel useless and worthless and jealous of everyone else and their solidity and confidence in their place.