In the fog.

Dear world-at-large,

I kind of hate the fog.

I especially hate being in the fog when I have to deal with benefits, insurance people, and the HR department at work.

Of course, if I wasn't in the fog, I wouldn't need to deal with any of that stuff.

(Note: I really don't need to be told that I should just go back to work and everything will be fine.)

The world is slightly falling down around my ears. I seem to be unable to write (even to blog, or post threads asking for help on my favourite message board, never mind the fiction I actually WANT to be writing) or knit (I keep casting on, then pulling the yarn off the needles) and even gaming isn't really entertaining me.

I've been doing some tidying in my room at my parents'. It helps a bit to have a space that's semi-organized. Then I go back to the place where, theoretically, I actually live, and it's horrible, and I get mired in the fog again. Like, even worse than before.

I am jealous of the people who get depressed and then bounce back and feel their old selves again. Right now, I feel like I don't have an old self that isn't depressed. I can't imagine a not-depressed me right now, which is super-frustrating. And yet I know that there have been times when I have found it at least bearable to get out of bed and when things are less of an epic daily struggle.

And it's super-annoying, because a week ago I felt on top of the world, almost, and I have no idea what's changed.

I want to say fuck everything, but I have so many big scary things and decisions and questions hanging over my head that there's not much chance of taking a vacation from it.

I'm trying to figure out what the next step is - and because I want the next step to come from me and not to be too influenced by what other people think I should do, I'm not asking for advice. In fact, I'm asking you not to give me advice right now. However, tea and sympathy, hugs, love, and support would be much welcomed.

Like, a lot.

*mwah* to you all.

In the fog.

Dear world-at-large,

I kind of hate the fog.

I especially hate being in the fog when I have to deal with benefits, insurance people, and the HR department at work.

Of course, if I wasn't in the fog, I wouldn't need to deal with any of that stuff.

(Note: I really don't need to be told that I should just go back to work and everything will be fine.)

The world is slightly falling down around my ears. I seem to be unable to write (even to blog, or post threads asking for help on my favourite message board, never mind the fiction I actually WANT to be writing) or knit (I keep casting on, then pulling the yarn off the needles) and even gaming isn't really entertaining me.

I've been doing some tidying in my room at my parents'. It helps a bit to have a space that's semi-organized. Then I go back to the place where, theoretically, I actually live, and it's horrible, and I get mired in the fog again. Like, even worse than before.

I am jealous of the people who get depressed and then bounce back and feel their old selves again. Right now, I feel like I don't have an old self that isn't depressed. I can't imagine a not-depressed me right now, which is super-frustrating. And yet I know that there have been times when I have found it at least bearable to get out of bed and when things are less of an epic daily struggle.

And it's super-annoying, because a week ago I felt on top of the world, almost, and I have no idea what's changed.

I want to say fuck everything, but I have so many big scary things and decisions and questions hanging over my head that there's not much chance of taking a vacation from it.

I'm trying to figure out what the next step is - and because I want the next step to come from me and not to be too influenced by what other people think I should do, I'm not asking for advice. In fact, I'm asking you not to give me advice right now. However, tea and sympathy, hugs, love, and support would be much welcomed.

Like, a lot.

*mwah* to you all.