I want!

[randomling]

I am sick, SICK of living like this and I want to change.

I want to change EVERYTHING at once.

That seems impossible. Probably it IS impossible.

I want to start taking better care of myself. That means being clean, eating good meals regularly, exercising, and taking care of my appearance (facial waxing, feet and nails occasionally, maybe a haircut).

I want to start making money - with a job, the astrology biz, writing, whatever.

I want to be writing more often.

I want to be playing the piano and singing regularly too.

I want to be finding things to do that are more exciting than World of Warcraft. But not neglecting WoW entirely.

I want to be taking part more in the KT and the Biggification program.

I want to be actually hanging out with people who are not my parents on a regular basis. Actual, in-person friends would be awesome. (Totally linked to the self-care stuff, as I feel I am not allowed to hang out with people unless I am clean.)

I want to be out of debt. (Linked to money stuff. Duh.)

I want to figure out what to do with the OU course. I don't want to give it up because, well, I want to have succeeded at it, but I don't want to actually do the work because it is SO boring. Like, seriously. I'd rather start again with a new course in a more challenging or at least new-to-me subject.

I want to find something to do that Engages My Brain. I'm BORED.

I want to figure out ways to have more energy. Because it's hard not to be bored if you have no energy to do anything cool.

I want connection. With people. And love, laughter, and enjoyment. The kind of happy vibes I got on retreat or that I get at Camp Sparkle or that I have had at times hanging out with friends in London or Newcastle. I want MY people around me, dammit. I get the same vibes hanging out with "my people" on WoW, too, another reason I don't want to give it up.

I want to work through some of the stuff that is stressing me out and probably sucking my energy away.

I want to find space to be the awesome person I know I could be if things were only a bit different. She gets buried sometimes. I want to stop blaming the outside world for making me rubbish. I want to stop blaming myself, too. At the same time, I'm angry that I'm rubbish, and I want someone to blame, dammit.

I want more people to read this blog. I want a little group of people who read and comment, cheer me on, or engage with the ideas on the blog. I want there to be some actual ideas on the blog for people to engage with.

I want to do Shiva Nata every day.

I want space to do yoga if I want to.

I want to be a better person.

I have lots of ideas, and not the faintest idea where to start.

Also, I want my brain to please be quiet at night so I can get some sleep.

The end.

Comments

[pensnest]

I want those things for you, too, because they are excellent things to want, and you deserve them.

It's good to have made this list, to have identified what you want to change. The biggest problem on your list, I think, is that you have not the faintest idea where to start. You say, right there at the beginning, that you want to change EVERYTHING at once, and it seems impossible. Well, yes.

I'm going to suggest that if you want all of them at once, it is absolutely going to be impossible to get started—how can you start if you simply can't figure out where to begin? Changing everything at once is close to impossible, and giving yourself an impossible goal just means you're setting yourself up to fail, which is really not going to help.

So pick. Pick some priorities.

This is actually easy right now, because the choice is clear. The very basic things are the ones to begin with. Make your foundations stronger, so you have a place from which you can move forward with confidence. So I say, make yourself change your daily routine, because getting your physical details in order is going to be the foundation for the rest. Eating properly *will* make you feel better. Exercising *will* energise you. You'll feel and see a difference in yourself, I promise you. Programme in a daily shower, and you'll feel better about facing the world and the people in it.

How you do that... really is up to you. You could get one of the many 'how to eat right' books (I suggest something that works with PCOS, there are books that talk about how to balance your carbohydrate intake so that your energy levels stay high—the GI diet, or something like that) and work out menus from that. Or, change incrementally—fruit instead of biscuits as a first step, say. A spoonful less of the fatty stuff, a spoonful more of the fibre stuff. One of those plates with divisions on to show you how much protein, vegetable and carbohydrate you should have. It totally depends what sort of change you can make and stick with.

It's the same deal with exercise—pick something that suits you. I read recently, the best exercise is the kind you *do*. That's absolutely right. (My father-in-law makes a point of telling us how he gets his exercise digging his garden, which provides him with tasty vegetables as well as fitness. We only go to the gym, which he thinks is a waste of time. But hey, we *go* to the gym four times a week. No power on earth gets me regularly digging the garden!) So figure out what you can *do*—walks, sit-ups, dancing like a crazy person, whatever—and get into the routine. Do it regularly. Set yourself a target you can reach—you can always set a new target.

The thing about getting your physical set-up right is, it doesn't actually take that much time out of your day, and you can perfectly well do other things at the same time. You have to eat—so just eat better. You have to shop for food (presumably), so get the healthy stuff. Doesn't take any longer, unless you decide you *have* to go to the farmer's market and that organic grocer's... which you don't. Exercise maybe takes twenty minutes from your day—but what were you doing with that twenty minutes before, that was so useful? And getting yourself showered is, what, ten minutes? Again, what would you otherwise be doing with that ten minutes that was so much more important?

Then, breathe. You've made a start. Now, you're set up to do something that's actually fun.

So pick one more priority item, and do it. I recommend you pick something that'll bring you pleasure, rather than something you 'ought' to be doing, and something that's a specific goal in itself rather than a means to a goal (eg playing the piano rather than Shiva Nata). Changing your life is hard, so give yourself a chance to enjoy some of the changing. If you pick writing, or playing the piano, programme it into your day. Just half an hour is a good start, but sit down and do it every day. If it's being with people, find an RPG group locally? volunteer in a charity shop or cat shelter or old people's home? join a choir? join a rambling club? Some of these are multi-purpose!

Once you've got these basics in your life, you'll probably find that your brain is more willing to let you sleep. Your mind won't be constantly spinning through a list of unreachable goals, because you'll be working towards reachable ones. You'll be less bored, because you've engaged with something, whatever it is. You'll be ready to spend more time with in-the-flesh people. You'll be in a better place from which to start earning. And, you'll be on your way to being the awesome person you know you can be.