Having a small panic

[randomling]

I'm testing my blood sugar this week for my diabetes nurse (to see whether new medication is a good idea) and it's been really, really high every time. I've tested four times this weekend.

I don't want to talk numbers because I'm terrified people will tell me off for being bad at this.

I am really struggling not have a panic attack.

This is really, really fucking bad for my depression and anxiety. I am a stone's throw from wishing I was dead and not very far from trying to figure out how to die quickly (rather than very very slowly as uncontrolled diabetes fucks my body up). I know that there is hope because I am hopefully going to get on new medication and talk to a dietitian and get better about exercise (with a little help from the gym and Fitocracy). But it's really fucking hard to see the hope right now. So much of my eating is fucked up, partly because of the environment I am living in and partly because of my own headmess. And they interact badly. And it's really really hard not to just hate myself for being so bad at this.

I'm going to go for a quick walk and see if that makes any difference to my sugar levels. If it doesn't, in fact maybe even if it does, I'm going to then find some way to soothe myself. Maybe I'll do a codeword or five. Something that absorbs my brain and stops me thinking about the fact that I'm going to die of kidney failure in 15 years because I can't fucking do this.

ETA: Exercise took my blood sugar down from Really Fucking High to Still Quite High But 78% Of Previous Number. Progress?

Comments

[azurelunatic]

Go you! Self-soothing that also lowers your blood sugar is an excellent tool to have.

[purplecat]

Progess. More data is always good, yeah?

[pretty_panther]

Progress ♥ I hope your nurse can help you out.

[untonuggan]

♥

[hatman]

Progress is progress. I've been diabetic 23 years. I still get high sugars, and it's still a daily search for balance. That's how it goes. Fortunately, a few bumps and spikes in the road aren't going to kill you; it's the long-term average that matters most.

I couldn't tell you how to do it, even if you wanted me to (which you don't). Finding the right levels is a very individual thing. But I can tell you it's doable, if you keep at it.

Good luck. (If I can help somehow, ask anytime.)

[ephemera]

Progress, absolutely! *hand squeezes* (Walking is, for me, a good self-soothing thing and *also* a good thing from a physical health perspective.)