Lee (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
randomling) wrote2011-12-12 08:05 pm
randomling) wrote2011-12-12 08:05 pm
This would be a post of whine.
Well. I don't really want to spam everyone's reading page/flist with my Personal Drama. Even though, yes, I know that's kind of what a journalling service is for. I still feel somehow wrong about filling people's pages with a wall of depressing text. Because that's what this is going to be. I'm being eaten by depression (again) and beating myself up for the stupidest things. And not doing a lot of "essential" things. If I was offered a job tomorrow, I probably would have great difficulty picking up and doing it, but I don't particularly fancy trying to go through the rigamarole of trying to claim ESA (Employment and Support Allowance) instead to support me while I'm struggling with depression. Plus, I'm still trying to get a job.
But oh God, everything is so hard.
I claimed JSA (that's Jobseeker's Allowance) on the 8th of November. It's now 12th December and I still haven't received a letter about it or any money. I've spoken to the benefits centre twice, and they just apologise and say it will be processed soon. I've been pissing through the meagre savings I managed to store up while working over the summer and for a month this autumn, and I have only a little left now to cover bills.
I'm working on getting jobs, and trying to figure out the question of where I want to be, professionally speaking, in 10 to 15 years - but that's really quite hard. I'm attracted by programming, academia, adult teaching and the charity sector, but picking one of those four is not quite a no-brainer. So I'm trying to get into investigation-mode for all of these things.
(I've been thinking that I should be treating jobsearch as a full time job, but that's so unbelievably depressing that I can hardly face it. Maybe I could treat it as a part-time job? What would happen if I committed to spending 2.5 days this week on jobsearch activities? What would that look like? How would it work? That might be a useful train of thought.)
I really miss having friends to hang out with and money to hang out with them. It's hard enough on JSA, but with literally no income, it's pretty much impossible. Going out for dinner or catching a movie is mostly out of the question, unless I want to burn savings. Coffee might be more like it. And living with my parents, it's really hard to invite people over. So that's all pretty hard.
Plus, brain monsters make every part of this harder.
Sigh.
Might come back and whine about this stuff more later.
Sorry for the whiny-ness, people.
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Don't fear sharing.
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Jobsearching is just ugh. I'm currently in avoid-y mode, but at some point soon, will need to kick myself into not-avoid-y mode. Because, seriously. :P
Wishing you all the luck, and I hope JSA gets back to you soon (and that you find something)! (Also, that depression goes and jumps off a cliff.) ♥
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