randomling: A wombat. (Default)
[personal profile] randomling
Being surrounded by my family makes me feel like the odd one out. My sense of humour and interests are so out of kilter with everyone else's - and so are my sleep patterns, energy levels, amount of cope and well, everything. I feel like I can't really say anything and like there's no space for me.

Being shut up alone in my room makes me feel lonely and isolated and resentful.

My mood is currently bad enough that I don't feel up to asking for attention or sympathy in any of the places I usually go to (all of which are either dead or busy with other things anyway).

Right now I feel sluggish and devoid of energy and a bit like I am slowly turning to stone.

I hate this and I feel like there's no one I can talk to (everyone's busy with their own shit, and that's not surprising, it's Christmas), and what the hell would I say anyway? It's not like there's anything that can be fixed. I am a square peg in a round hole, and my health is inconsistent enough that I cannot rely on ever being able to earn enough money to get out of here.

Which means that I am doomed to be miserable and stuck here, and when my parents die I am fucked. And part of me thinks I shouldn't be thinking about this, because there's nothing much useful I can do about it, and it's Christmas and I shouldn't be thinking about depressing things.

But the truth is I am a useless lump and my life is a horror and there is no hope if I can't rely on myself to be able to work.

(Quite possibly it would all be better if I was anywhere but here, because I would have less situational depression if I wasn't in this situation, but I simply do not see a way out of here. Even if I could figure out how to consistently earn enough money, I am terrified of living with strangers, I don't know of anyone I'd be capable of sharing with realistically, and I go screaming mad if I try to live alone.)

ETA: And now I'm suicidal, yay.

Date: 2014-12-24 11:19 pm (UTC)
green_knight: (Eagle)
From: [personal profile] green_knight
Sounds like there's a lot of things coming together for you and adding to your stress levels right now - I hope that things settle down soon and that you feel better.

I remember feeling completely out-of-place, and I've always hated sharing with a passion - it made me fairly edgy, even when I was sharing with friends (and much more when sharing with strangers). Strangely enough, when I moved in with my partner, it was almost a non-event: we have compatible habits in the places where it really, really matters to me, both big and small. And he's so relaxing to be with that my introvert alarm does not get triggered.

I don't have any good suggestions on how to find people you mesh with, but if it was possible for me, I have hopes for the rest of the human race, so tell the depression to eff off: just because it's hard for you to imagine right now does not mean that it can't happen.

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