randomling: Mulder (The X-Files) looks up at the sky. "the truth is out there" (the truth is out there)
Almost 17,000 words this week!

~7.5 on WIP Big Bang.
~9.5 on my original sci-fi porn.

My mood is all over the place, but I am getting words written, so that's something I can at least call an accomplishment.
randomling: Buffy Summers (of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) wearing shades. (buffy shades)
I'm testing my blood sugar this week for my diabetes nurse (to see whether new medication is a good idea) and it's been really, really high every time. I've tested four times this weekend.

I don't want to talk numbers because I'm terrified people will tell me off for being bad at this.

I am really struggling not have a panic attack.

TW: Suicidal ideation )

ETA: Exercise took my blood sugar down from Really Fucking High to Still Quite High But 78% Of Previous Number. Progress?

Fffffffff.

Dec. 28th, 2013 02:30 pm
randomling: A large stack of books in black and white. (reading)
Today is a bad brain day even when trance is applied to the situation.

I need to focus on my bedroom but it is really stressful. Maybe I should be mildly ridiculous and check if I have in fact ripped all my CDs into iTunes. (I am sure I have the Trainspotting soundtrack somewhere already. And I know I have Kid A.)

BLEAH.

Nov. 20th, 2013 11:58 am
randomling: Zoe (of Firefly) looks confused and disgusted. (zoe)
Mornings.

Okay. Here is the plan:

1. Apply for two jobs.
2. One level of mathematics.
3. Everything else is gravy.
randomling: River Tam (Firefly) stares at something off-camera. (river stares)
Stuck, stuck, stuck. )

I cannot begin to express how much I do not want advice. It might be nice to have distractions, or stories about living with disability or mental illness that do not end in doom and despair, or maybe a bit of reassurance that I am still liked even if I am utterly non-functional. I'm not sure at this stage what is going to push my buttons, to be honest, but I'll try to be up-front about it if something does, rather than curling up and going quiet.
randomling: Chris Kirkpatrick of *nsync raises an eyebrow. (eyebrow)
It's funny. I had a wonderful talk with my mum over dinner tonight, and got home feeling really positive and hopeful about things for the first time in ages, and now I'm heading back into a slump again.

Writing about these things seems to help. )
randomling: Peter Bishop (Fringe) ponders something. (peter)
I think I might actually turn this into a journal (perhaps more bullet-pointy and less rambly than some journals).

I might decide at some point to make these posts access-locked or even private; we'll see if I even keep it up for more than three days, and how it goes. In the meantime, I'll just say no advice, please and leave it at that.

Journaly stuff is journaly. TMI included. )

Sigh.

Jun. 4th, 2012 12:43 pm
randomling: Claude Rains (Heroes) in black and white. "you can't see me i'm invisible" (invisible)
Okay, so things are a bit dodgy over here all of a sudden.

I haven't been taking my anti-depressant medication - again - because I seem to have run out (I'm sure I should have at least 10 days' worth somewhere, but I cannot find it for the life of me) and I can't find my repeat prescription. Of course, it would be an epically long weekend, so I can't get the ball rolling with my doctor until Wednesday.

I need better systems.

I'm getting symptoms again. Sleeping for 11+ hours a night (often plus a daytime nap), obsessed with the current TV show and a game, finding it hard to concentrate on doing the "real life" stuff that I should/could/want to be doing. Feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

I do have techniques for times like this, so I'm not completely down a hole, but it's taken me a couple of days to recognise what's going on. Still, now that I do know, I can start to get myself in gear.

Going to use this journal as a keeping-place for ramblings for a while, because it tends to be handy to counteract the "hide away and curl up in a ball" instinct, and doing some of this accounting stuff in public seems to be helpful for me, too.

So excuse the spam for a few days. I'm going to put on some clothes, get some breakfast, and then see what I can do about a list post or something.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
Having a bit of a depression-attack lately. Working on it.

Spent about an hour looking at code from the Dreamwidth codebase. I WILL understand it. I swear I will.

Still madly in love with Perl.

Not much else in the way of newsy-mc-news right now.
randomling: Chris Kirkpatrick of *nsync raises an eyebrow. (eyebrow)
I have a new volunteering role. I'm going to be doing admin for an education provider called CTC Training, 4 mornings a week. This is going to be really helpful in getting me into a routine, reminding me what it's like to go to a workplace, and stuff. I start on November 15th!

My brain is mush. And I am still cranky, numb and very tired. Stupid lack of anti-depressants. On the plus side, I have the pills back now, and I have a system in place to make sure I don't run out in the future. So that's positive.

I've finished watching the existing Warehouse 13 and now I'm onto Eureka. LOVE it so far.

I'm going to America on Tuesday. It's probably going to clean me out financially, but it will hopefully be worth it in terms of my mental health and working-on-my-stuff progress. Last trip for a while, at least until things turn themselves around and I get back on my feet, life-wise. But, I'm slightly freaking out about this trip even though I know it's going to be good for me.

I'm trying to show up in more places, more often these days, though that mostly means online at the moment. Once I've figured out how much volunteering time I can manage, I might start getting a little more serious about finding in-person socializing to do more than once a week. I miss having a social life!

And on a related note, I'm wanting to resurrect my Lucy Viret blog, but as is often the case when I've been quiet for a bit, I'm feeling a bit paralyzed about how to start again. (Yes, the way to break the paralysis is to just start. But on the other hand - that apparently isn't the only component needed to break the paralysis. Compassion for myself is, as always, the key, I guess.)

It's funny how I feel unbelievably self-centered whenever I start talking about compassion for myself in this place. There's clearly a Mean Little Voice that thinks I should put everyone else first. But that's part of what got me into this place of deep depression in the first place (cranky brain chemicals was another part!) so I'm not sure how useful that voice is.

That's all for now!
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
Things are still hard. But I'll get my pills this afternoon, and this morning's doctor's appointment was a definite success. Got the admin stuff I needed done, and two balls rolling that needed to be got rolling, and I was taken seriously and everything. I think there might be an adult in here somewhere.

But I'm aware that this is a temporary thing. I'm able to take care of myself during the temporary hard time. And I'm able to put things in place that will help me not to be in this situation again. All of this is good news.

In the meantime, I'm watching lots of Warehouse 13 and getting some knitting done. (I have new yarn!) And I need to photograph my stash, so that my sister can pick colours for her birthday hat.

Might work on that now, actually. I need to know what she wants before I go away in a week. Um, apparently knitting is my new obsession.

Going to see what I can do about the self-care now. Yay, self-care.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
I'm baking bread and doing laundry.

I have an email to send, a cover letter to write and a CV to tailor, and an interview to prepare for (it's for a voluntary post, but that's okay). All of that is deadlined for Monday, so it's today or tomorrow.

I've also got an ongoing knitting project - no deadline, but "watching TV and knitting" is my go-to relaxation activity. Noticing those depression warning signs means I'm trying to allow myself lots of relaxation time, in the hopes of preventing myself going totally to pieces before I can get more drugs on Tuesday.

And there is stuff to be done to stop the entropy in my room. Five minutes of picking-up and putting-things-where-they-live will totally make my bedroom back into a haven.

So I am working hard on the self-care thing, while also trying to keep an eye on the various balls I have in the air.

I also still want to do writing but I'm totally floundering. Thank you to everyone who gave me links for prompting communities - I have lots of stuff to play with now! But something is still missing, I just wish I knew what.

Grr, this whole thing of having to figure out what you need before you ask for it. It's frustrating!
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
I have a bunch of paid-for jobs to write applications for, an interview for a voluntary position, and another interview for a voluntary position to set up for towards the end of next week. So that's good news.

In less good news, my warning signs for depression (feeling numb, cranky and overtired) are rearing their ugly heads 'cause I'm out of anti-ds. I'll get more on Tuesday. It's a combination of my own stupid fault and the chemist losing my repeat prescription. Siiiigh.

I'm still a) unable to pick up the Inception story I've been writing and b) itching to write something. Not sure where to go with that. Writing, it is HARD. But on the plus side, MtYG assignments come out in about 10 days.

I keep thinking that I want to work on life design - but the concept of "desiging one's life" seems overwhelming and scary! So I think it'd be easier just starting by figuring out what I want my life to include. I don't even know, we'll see.

Also, I'm trying to navigate the difference between the good kind of pushing and the bad kind of pushing. It's hard, people!
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
I just started working with MoodGYM and I'm having the same problem I always have with these exercises: I'm stuck!

I repress like crazy.

I can't remember the last time I was really upset. Or really angry.

I know it happens, but I don't let myself remember, after the fact, apparently.

I'm guessing this makes me too fucked up for CBT.

Gah.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
So I'm still off work with depression. Almost four months now (and counting - I'm going to be surprised if I get back to work this year). Weirdly, I'm not stressing about it as much as I was this time last year; I know that it will go, eventually, and this is kind of another step towards figuring out where I need to be, even though it kind of sucks right now.

My phone's still off. I'm thinking about maybe doing a thing where I keep it on, but find a way of making calls go straight to voicemail. That will mean that I have some idea when there's a message, and also that people will be able to text me.

I signed up for a Open University course, with the idea that it would stimulate my mind and that might help me. Right now, I'm not doing much of anything on it, and so far the material that I've looked at isn't very challenging. But I've given myself permission to be crap at it, and I shall hand in my assignments, even if they're rubbish because I haven't done enough work. The idea is to be engaged to whatever point I feel able.

And there have been more fits of madness.

I've booked a trip to California at the beginning of December. This is because my favourite guru/mentor, Havi Brooks, is running a one-day class there which I really, really want to attend. So I've booked onto it. But I once tried going to Georgia for a wedding, and I was well then and it killed me - so I'm not travelling to California for a single day! I'm going to be there for eight days.

I'm going to need a lot of hand-holding and support and love and stuff to get me on the plane and get me through it, I think, but I really want to go. I think it will probably be enormously good for me. I hope so anyway.

After much dithering, I finally signed up for Make the Yuletide Gay (which is the popslash secret santa challenge). I'm not convinced of my ability to write anything at all, because I haven't written much in the way of popslash, or anything at all, since the same challenge ran last year. But I wanted to participate, mostly because to not take part in this challenge is essentially to remove yourself from the fandom and I don't want to do that!

I also signed up for NaNo. God knows what, if anything, I'll write. But maybe it'll be good for me to do something other than play World of Warcraft. (It's good to have WoW to rely on, honestly, for non-threatening social contact and amusement and "stuff to get done"; but it also kind of eats my head and I want to spend less time doing it, if I can.)

I've also done stuff like buy Lego - I kind of love the putting stuff together with my hands - and I'm trying to mess around with drawing and painting and stuff. Though I haven't got much further with that than "buying the materials and looking at them a lot".

I think that when I've written my first OU assignment (due this Tuesday! But it's only 750 words so I'm not too worried) I might celebrate by getting out the paints and mixing some colours or painting something ridiculously abstract. Mixing colours is fun!

As you can see, I'm doing a lot of play at the moment. Play and rest. It's really good to have the time to just switch off - even though I'm living at my parents', and that means a certain amount of trying to help them out, 'cause they are quite elderly. But they are looking after me, too, so it all kind of works.

At the moment I'm 100% homebody, it seems to be a rare-ish day that I actually leave the house. I do seem to feel a bit more positive when I do, though.

I think it's probably time for me to try and get some sleep now!
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
Starting to feel like I will never recover from this depressive episode. Which is stupid, because I have done it before. Feel like all the hard work I did in the past year as been undone - I have slipped back into much the same place as I was this time last year. And never mind the year that's happened in between, here I am again. Argh.

I cancelled a holiday I really wanted to go on because I just couldn't handle it. I am completely exhausted all the time. I keep losing the plot on the thing I want to be doing, which is trying to let myself be where I am, in the hopes that it'll help.

People, I cannot handle advice on how to get better right now. I am not really in a place where I can imagine what "better" might look like and I am trying to avoid more things I am supposed to be doing. I have enough of those already (more argh).

I am doing the best I can to take care of myself. And to be taken care of. And it's fucking hard. And my mother is on my back about getting therapy (again) but right now I don't know if I could handle it. It scares me. A lot. They doubled my medication, but it's only been a week and a bit, so no difference yet.

I'm starting to think that I'm actually broken forever - that I honestly cannot cope with life as most people do, full time work and so on - and that therefore terrible things will happen to me. It's really really scary as a thought, you know? The idea that I am not capable of being a normal human being. That I am substandard in some way.

I don't like being like this AT ALL. And I have no other way to be right now.

Time to figure out what would help me right now, in this moment, because that's about all I can deal with.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
As some of you may know, I'm currently off work again with depression.

What I really need right now is some hermit time and some working on the idea that I don't have to force myself to get better.

So I'm declaring Official Hermit Time. My phone is off, comments on this post are off, and I probably won't be answering much in the way of email.

If you really need to contact me for an emergency, email is probably the best way.

Astrology people, consider this a small hiatus in proceedings, and of course I'll be in touch as soon as hermit time is done.

I'll be okay. For those of you inclined to worry about me, please don't. I just need some space from social contact because right now it's really hard for me.

Normal service will be resumed again in due course, and I'll see you all again on the other side.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
As some of you may know, I'm currently off work again with depression.

What I really need right now is some hermit time and some working on the idea that I don't have to force myself to get better.

So I'm declaring Official Hermit Time. My phone is off, comments on this post are off, and I probably won't be answering much in the way of email.

If you really need to contact me for an emergency, email is probably the best way.

Astrology people, consider this a small hiatus in proceedings, and of course I'll be in touch as soon as hermit time is done.

I'll be okay. For those of you inclined to worry about me, please don't. I just need some space from social contact because right now it's really hard for me.

Normal service will be resumed again in due course, and I'll see you all again on the other side.
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
Okay. So the one complaint so far on [community profile] dwstones? Is that people aren't posting enough. So maybe I should post something about me, myself and I. How I got to Dreamwidth, and a thing or two that's important to me.

I got here via fandom. And I should point out that I'm a relative newbie to fandom with only about 18 months under my belt. I'm sure that you will hear a thing or two about my favourite fandom, which is popslash, in many subsequent posts. (For a quickie definition, though: popslash is slash about real people in the pop world, usually *Nsync, The Backstreet Boys and associated people. And slash is same-sex romantic/erotic fan fiction.)

The thing that I really want to do with my life is write. Actual words, my own non-fanfic words - and preferably make some kind of money at it. That would be awesome. I have ideas, but they feel "too big to write" and I'm rather intimidated about actually doing it. So I'm working on that particular thing.

I'm currently recovering from a major bout of depression and learning to cope with diabetes still, about nine months after I was diagnosed. Partly as a result of that, I'm currently even more obsessed than usual with self-help and self-development stuff, and trying to learn to navigate the Big Issues that get me stuck and get me upset. I'm also quite obsessed with a "destuckification expert" called Havi Brooks, who has a web site at The Fluent Self. So you may hear a thing or two about that as time goes on.

I'm spread rather wide over the internet at the moment. I have three Livejournals (currently all paid - ahem), one for personal, one for fannish, and one for writing stuff, a Twitter account which I'm just getting to grips with, a Facebook account I barely ever use, and a new WordPress blog (which at some point deserves a link).

I have a terrible habit of over-extending myself and as a result I'm always trying to rationalize and figure out what I should be committed to and what I should ditch. This seems to be a constantly ongoing process and there is never a clean slate, which I find somewhat distressing, but that's life for you.

I was quite keen on the clean slate thing here, and then I stupidly imported my LJ. Not sure why, follow the crowd I guess...

There is no real point to this entry, except to say one more hello, and give some info about myself! :)
randomling: A wombat. (Default)
This is known as "the day of the week". I'm struggling to hold onto simple concepts at the moment. Too bloody tired. On campus right now and was just vaguely wondering where to brainspam. I'd almost forgotten about this site.

I need an icon from somewhere. I'll grab my little wombat avatar from my boards at some point and stick her in. She'll do nicely. Thus I become Wombat Woman on LJ. Perhaps one day I'll be the LJ Wombat Goddess, but I think that might take a little time....

So what's to talk about?

Ack, probably nothing, I'll come back when I've got something to say.

MEH.

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